Archive note: This post brings together two early Clarissa’s Corner pieces from the same period: “Decisions to Make” and material from a second post titled “Hit Me”. I’ve combined them because they covered the same chapter of my life — food, body image, confidence, clothes and trying to work out what I wanted to change. The thoughts about dieting and weight loss reflect how I felt at the time and are preserved as personal history, not health or weight-loss advice.
Decisions to Make
Okay, so I had taken the plunge and, after numerous procrastinations, I had decisions to make.
I had almost decluttered my makeup. I’m so ashamed to say I still had the beauty-therapy makeup that came with my kit when I was 18 — definitely time for that to go!
That finally spurred me on to make an introductory YouTube video, so I hoped to start blogging and vlogging too.
It was starting to feel summery enough to leave the house without a coat — apart from a cardigan my mum bought me from Matalan at Christmas. I loved our shopping trips.
When Food and Body Image Were Taking Over
In the other post I wrote something much more personal: “Me and food never have had a good relationship.”
At the time I traced a lot of those feelings back to my teens — vending machines, school dinners, junk food and chocolate bars — while also remembering how much I used to walk and exercise.
I also wrote about how my body had changed over the years. I felt that some contraceptives hadn’t agreed with me, particularly the Depo injection, and I associated that period with gaining a lot of weight and feeling unhappy in myself.
Later, after having Ladybug, I joined Weight Watchers and got within seven pounds of the goal I had set myself. We then went on an all-inclusive family holiday to Turkey. When I came home having gained some weight, I remember feeling ashamed and telling myself I needed to lose it again before we returned.
Confidence Was About More Than a Number
There was other stuff going on too. I went on a course to improve my confidence with maths, and I was genuinely pleased that afterwards I felt much more capable with things like adding up.
But after a lot of emotional things happened, I wrote that I’d gained more weight and was struggling badly with my reflection. One line from the original post really captures where my confidence was:
“I have been hating my reflection in the mirror, stopped making an effort — even my underwear don’t match and have holes for how much I give a damn about myself currently.”
Reading that back years later, it’s obvious this wasn’t simply about joining another diet plan. I wasn’t feeling particularly good about me.
Trying Something Different
In “Decisions to Make” I was writing lists: cut back on sugar, chocolate, burgers, fries and fizzy drinks; plan meals; drink more water; exercise more regularly. I had previously tried SlimFast and Weight Watchers and was considering Slimming World.
By the time I wrote “Hit Me”, I had decided to give Slimming World a try after seeing friends’ experiences. It felt completely different to the points and ProPoints system I already knew, but I was trying to convince myself that change could be good.
I was inspired by friends who had made changes of their own, and I wondered whether Mr B might join in too. Those were my thoughts at that moment; they aren’t included here as recommendations or evidence that any particular weight-loss programme is right for someone else.
Turning 30 and Wondering Where Life Was Going
There was another layer underneath it. I wrote about hitting my 30s and feeling down because my life didn’t look the way I’d once imagined it would by that age.
But I also wrote about crossroads and signs — that sometimes you reach a point where you have to decide which way you’re going next. That was what this period felt like to me.
And Somehow We Ended Up at My Dream Wardrobe
Because apparently my brain could go from food and confidence to an imaginary mansion and walk-in wardrobe without missing a beat. 😂
I started thinking about changing my wardrobe style and how, when I “grew up and lived in a mansion”, I wanted a beautiful walk-in wardrobe with colourful coordinated hangers and everything organised by what it was for: work, nights out, dress-up evenings, casual clothes, lunches, weddings and special occasions.
I even fancied trying a capsule wardrobe.
Alongside all the food and fitness plans, I wanted to get more organised, plan ahead and budget better so I could make more thoughtful choices about clothes and spending.
2026 Archive Reflection
Reading these two old posts together makes much more sense than keeping them apart. On the surface they were about decluttering makeup, starting YouTube, summer clothes, dieting, exercise and getting organised.
Underneath, they were really about confidence, identity and wanting to feel like myself again.
I wouldn’t write about food, bodies or weight in quite the same way now, and I don’t want to rewrite the past to make 2013 Clarissa sound like 2026 Clarissa. The language and feelings belong to that time.
What I do recognise is the constant urge to organise my entire existence whenever life feels messy — preferably with colour-coded hangers, a new plan and approximately seventeen simultaneous projects. Some things haven’t changed. 😂
That’s why this stays in the archive: not as a diet guide, but as a little snapshot of who I was, what I was struggling with and what I hoped might make me feel better.
